Facebook can be a wonderful tool. It’s good for reconnecting with old friends and organizing social events. Sadly, Facebook also has a dark, dark underbelly that could deflower your innocent mind if you are not careful. Due to spending an unhealthy amount of time reading Facebook statuses, I have been able to develop an accurate translation for what Facebook statuses actually mean.
Facebook Status Number 1: I luv my gf so much!!!! She is teh lite of my lif. We hav a luv tat wil last 4eva!
Translation: Despite my claims that our love will last forever, chances are that our love will only last just a couple more weeks. Hopefully, this status will make my girlfriend put out. Also, I cannot spell. I am a moron.
Facebook Status Number 2: UGGGGHHHH!!!! I hate my life. Why does everything always go so wrong for me?
Translation: Attention. I crave it.
Facebook Status Number 3: Worshipping Jesus/Allah/No one/ The Flying Spaghetti Monster/ Tom Cruise is right and everyone else is wrong!!!!!
Translation: I’m bored and I really want someone to argue with me right now.
Facebook Status Number 4: I’mmmmm ssssssoooooo drrrrruuuuunnnkk rite now!
Translation: I’ve had two shots of vodka.
Facebook Status Number 5: I hate the opposite sex. They suck.
Translation: Why won’t anyone go with me? I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I generalize the very people that I so desperately want to be with. I also fail to realize that the common denominator in all of my failed relationships is me.
Facebook Status Number 6: I like smoking crack and I am a child molester!!!!
Translation: This status was made by a friend of the Facebook account holder. The Facebook account holder is obviously not a crack smoker or a child molester.
Facebook Status Number 7: I GOT SO MUCH SWAG BRO. BOW. DRINK UP TONIGHT! SWAG!
I need to be removed from the gene pool. Capital letters make a Facebook status 75 percent cooler. The fact that I exist make people doubt the very existence of God.
Facebook Status Number 8: My birthday is tomorrow!!!
Translation: Please wish me a happy birthday on Facebook tomorrow. Your “Happy Birthdays” validate my existence.
Facebook Status Number 9: -Insert copy and pasted status here-
Translation: I know everyone has already seen this status a million times. I think everyone has to see everything at least a million and one times before they are truly affected. Also, if rocks could die, I would have the creativity of a dead rock.
Facebook Status Number 10: IM SO SICK OF ALL THE DRAMA!
Translation: I am not sick of all the drama. Please give me more. Maybe drama can fix my caps lock key.
Facebook Status Number 11: Eating some pizza!
Translation: People care about my dietary choices.
Facebook Status Number 12: I’m so proud of little Johnny for scoring a goal in soccer today!!!
Translation: My kids are better than your kids, bitch. Your child doesn’t have shit on little Johnny.
Facebook Status Number 13: So, what do you guys think about politics?
Translation: I don’t want to argue, but I want other people to argue on my status. Getting tons of Facebook notifications makes me feel good about myself.
Facebook Status Number 14: I NEED YOU SO BAD BABY GIRL!!!
Translation: I have no interests and hobbies beyond my soon-to-fail relationship. Also, I need my baby girl to fix my caps lock key.
Facebook Status Number 15: Check out this link to the new rap I made and then put on Youtube.
Translation: Click this link and you’ll hate yourself for life.
Facebook Status Number 16: I’m so tired of people being bitchy to me. You know who you are!
Translation: Actually confronting the person who is giving me problems is way too courageous for me to do, so I’m going to passively-aggressively broadcast my problems to the public who mostly likely do not give a damn about my problems.